In our everyday life, most of us tend to question our existence. Questions like “why do I exist?” “Why should I suffer in this existence?” or statements like “I wish I never existed.” “My existence is worthless.” I think we are doing it in the wrong way.

Firstly, let us state the facts. We exist and that it the ultimate truth. You can deny, question and do everything, but we exist, and you cannot deny that. You were the fastest sperm to reach the egg and you are born, and you live. No matter how much denial you have, it doesn’t matter. The point is you exist. 

You can prove your existence by science, spirituality, religion or any medium possible. You can take any science book from beginner to advanced or any religious book of any religion. They explain human existence. 

Now, as we are on the same level, lets us ask the correct question. How do you exist? Yes, the question is slightly weird but give it a thought. Well, the thing is there is no universal theory on how a human should or will exist. Because we all are just leading the life.

Yes, many of us may disagree, but we are leading a life not living it. Because we are dependent, we cannot live even one day without depending on others. From the milk in the morning to the bed in the night, someone has helped us to live in a better way. 

Not only the physical needs, but we are dependent emotionally as well. You might be having a rough day, feeling sad, feeling lonely and many more. We look for human contact so that we can share the same with them and probably move past it after sharing. 

The problem comes with emotional needs. I mean if a grocery shop provides you with the worst support you simply go to a different shop and buy groceries. You don’t go to the owner and ask what is wrong and have a talk, right? 

But when it comes to people, we tend to find out what is wrong with them and why are they not talking to us the way they used to talk to us. This is because people are not just objects, and you cannot replace them just like that. They have more value in our life than materialistic things. We tend to ask ourselves a lot of questions when they don’t behave the same way.

So the question of existence mainly comes when the people don’t behave with us the way they used to be. They may not speak to us for various reasons. You might have done something wrong, something they don’t like, or you might have hurt them not knowingly.

You start to question yourself and blame yourself for being stupid. Gradually, this fills up your mind, and there will be no space. Even the slightest of the things irritate you, and you want that person to speak with you. Eventually, you only feel sad or angry and go to trance and begin to question everything.

You want to avoid or not live in the moment, and ultimately you question your existence. I’m not saying this process is right or wrong; I’m saying the question is not logical. Yes, I understand it hurts very much, but clinging on to one emotion makes you lose everything. It devastates you on a large scale.

The person can be your friend, colleague, girlfriend, boyfriend, parents, siblings, close cousin; it can be anyone. You might have apologised tons of times for the mistake. You might not have made any mistake with your consciousness, or it may be you thinking that person ignores you or hates you. 

It can be anything, don’t question your existence or cling on to one emotion. It is not good at all. If you care for that person, you have to respect their decision of ignoring you. That is the essence of true relation. I have faced many in the past and started thinking the same recently.

By recently, I don’t mean days or months; I mean hours. and I stopped questioning why I exist and clinging to one emotion. I see the old joyful version of myself. I’m not saying to ignore the people who ignore you. I’m saying be the same you are with them but do give a value to yourself as well. 

In the end, you may love yourself or hate yourself, but you have to realise that you exist. If you genuinely respect and care for any other person, you should have the same respect for yourself. Not because of pity or something, but because you exist and that matters. 

Hey guys, This is Mourya. I’m writing a self-portrait today. For avid readers, you may know me as the creator of the character “John” and the guy who writes science articles. When I thought of writing a self-portrait, I was confused because I have no idea.

Yes, I don’t know what my actual portrait is. But I took it as a challenge and decided to write it. Generally, I take around 1 hour to write an article, before that an hour to research. But this one took almost four days and no research needed as it was about me. So this means a lot.

Before the self-portrait, I will say a few characteristics that may describe my personality in turn, express my portrait. My day starts at night, yes I’m a night shift warrior. My job is to get yelled for software of a device not working fine. I’m from the escalations department from one of the biggest companies.

It doesn’t just stop at yelling; it goes to cusses. The worst cusses a man would ever want to hear from a stranger. And I will be in that weird position where I can’t say anything. It just feels like I deserve all of that or I got used to it. In reality, I don’t as I value myself a bit.

I don’t like formality while speaking with my buddies. I prefer if anyone would talk to me with sarcasm, a bit of friendly trolling and stuff. It makes me feel that person is close to me. When you think a person is close, you don’t say “Hey is this the right time to call? You just call and talk to them. It feels genuine.

I like being honest, and people who are honest with me. If there is anything, I would love it if people came up to me and say it to my face. It feels like they really care. Without criticism and honesty, I believe we cannot grow in life. There has to be someone who can say the things as they are to you.

I like to divert myself when I’m alone. One of my main diversion is writing stories and creating music. I don’t know anything technical about music. I open the software and add random tunes to it. Other than that, I listen to songs or message my friends or listen to standup comedy. Those who are free reply back and we have fun.

If I cannot find diversion for myself, I will go deep down into thoughts in a dark and closed environment. Once I spent six hours in a dark and closed room thinking about random stuff. My mind is always in my room, and I spend almost 22 hours a day in it.

No one talks to me in the house due to shift timings and other things. Even though I live with my family, I do my chores like cleaning, cooking and other stuff. I tend to apologize a lot due to sorry syndrome I got from PTSD (Post-traumatic stress disorder). I only do this if that person is important to me, and I mean every apology I say.

If anyone asks if something is wrong, I will use the phrase “sab changa si” it is a Punjabi ( a language of India) phrase which means “everything is fine.” But if anyone comes and asks, how are you? I may shed a tear. I can handle other emotions but, cannot hold it when the issue is sensitive.

A lot of shitty things happen with me daily, but I tend not to share them with anyone. Not because of privacy or something, but if any sane person listened to them, their day would be wasted. I tend to keep them myself and keep pushing the day.

I got some fantastic friends, some of them I made recently and some for the past eight years. I have got only a few, but they are just a simple text or call away. I adore them and respect them, and I believe they do the same. I share almost everything except this daily shit with them.

This lockdown has a significant impact on this self-portrait, especially November month. There are a lot of sleepless nights and cries, and I got to see life from different angles. I’m proud of myself that I survived that. It was like a never-ending nightmare personally and professionally for straight 30 days.

Summing up the self-portrait, sitting in a closed room, I have always looked for closure. The ideas from my mind bounced flew and hit the closed walls. They jumped right off and hit my brain again, and I’m sad again. I think I’m a regular guy who always finds emptiness or has emptiness. It must be one or the other.

A bit good if I give it a deep thought. I used to smile by looking myself in the mirror. I used to like the genuine nature in that. Its been almost seven months I saw any mirror. I rarely do that. In reality, we exist, but if you ask to portray me, I wish I never existed in this reality. I don’t think it would have made much of a difference to anyone, but I’m done being sad for myself.

But I exist, so that is my Self-portrait—a tragic guy working on himself. Still looking for closure but couldn’t find any. A colour less dead canvas where no one wants to look. I do not like myself like this. Honestly, none will like a whiny guy. But I’m working on myself and hope to see the light on the other end.

Well, if you are familiar with me, you might also be familiar with my usual philosophical topics about self, void and nothingness. Today I will not go deep into philosophies of self, but I will talk about the daily alienation one feels psychologically in the modern-day. I as a result of this confirm and declare “Death of Self, in modern day”. Day by day we lose ourselves, and one day there won’t be us anymore.

Death of Self internally

Well, this is something that happens internally. It begins right when you join a school or any ‘conditioning’ institution. What these ‘conditioning’ institutions do is preach morals that are generally accepted with no practical evidence. These prejudices exist to create a particular standard in the children’s brain. Schools exist to make this child into a product that won’t complain about running in the chase of money. It is true that schools also educate children and make them rational, but the disadvantages outweigh this advantage.

Somehow the morals, ethics and values that these school fix in the minds of children creates a fine line between what they desire and what they should do. Thus begins the alienation from themselves! They differentiate between desires and reality. They control their passion, likes and interests and follow up other people in the wild goose chase of money. I remember many teachers saying “passion is talk of an incompetent fool, competent people work hard for money”. Since then, whatever desire we get, we compare it with the preached morals and suppress them if they do not meet the societal standards. This suppression goes on throughout life; we consciously alienate ourselves.

Death of Self externally

Of course, school is an external factor, but it acts fundamentally to create this internal alienation. External factors, there are numerous things to speak about them. I will only talk of things that I have personally faced, so if that doesn’t seem like a factor of alienation for you, then it just means that you have a different external factor than I. For me, the most prominent external factor that kills me every day is people! People decide what I should do with my everyday life. And in turn, in their lives, it is someone else that decides for them. 

Some factor keeps me from doing the things I like. For suppose, if I wanted to spend my weekend on the couch, doing nothing, there comes an external force that pushes me out in the form of people. Sometimes an empty fridge causes this force to push me out, buy some vegetables. Sometimes it is a friend who felt lonely because he had seen some photos of his friends on Instagram. He saw that they were hanging out, and thus he decides to hang out with me forcing me to spend the day hanging out with him rather than on my couch.

This ‘friend’ analogy is merely an example of how little the problem yet how big the consequence would be. This small act of his can make me do something against my desire to lay on my couch. And these little acts, when repeated, may make me feel alienated from myself. I might feel out-of-control left choiceless. 

External yet, grand scale!

The grand scale, the primary alienation that comes externally, is from the morals. They might be the ones that the schools fed you, or your guardians did, or you learned them yourself from a preacher or other sources. When you believe these prejudices, you begin to judge yourselves. You begin to feel guilty if you have done something selfish. It is almost as being selfish is an evil thing. ‘Selfish’ is now a negative term! Preachers push their ideas of ‘selfless’ and kill your self with their judgements.

A white-bearded weirdly-clothed guru tells you that you should not masturbate and preserve your energy. He calls your lust evil and tells you that you are a devil. If that impacted you: if you took him seriously, then you are going to feel guilty whenever you committed the act. The acts that you do for someone else, charity, help and favours have become a business. This favour-giving business makes people think they are great because they have done something that is not selfish.

Unselfish and Selfless!

Little do people know that a genuinely unselfish act is not selfless. “Selfless” doesn’t exist! There is self in everything you do, without self you do not live. The self is nothing but you! The death of self is the death of you. All these preached morals, norms, white-beards and conditioning institutions want you to kill your emotions, desires and passion in the name of civilisation. “Instead of buying a thousand dollar phone, you could have donated it!” they will tell you. You could have also bought a thousand one-dollar-candies, but that is not what you wanted. All you wanted was a phone; you bought it! It is your money; you desired it; now enjoy it! Let no external factor kill yourself! 

I’m not preaching you immoral; I’m telling you that it is okay to be amoral instead!

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