In the imaginary race with time, I barely think about what is happening to me. If I stress I even don’t know what I’m feeling. But there some sort of disturbance or sadness that is always pumping from the bottom of my heart.

I work at a graveyard shift for a private company. My job is to take client tickets and resolve them. There will be calls of clients as well, I need to greet them with a smile and assist them accordingly. Yeah, it sucks to the bottom, but what sucks more is the way I get treated.

The clients don’t have respect for us as humans what so ever. We get to hear all kinds of cusses. I got to know them in different languages too. It is like I got used to them, I don’t like it, but that is what it is.

If the work is like this, one would expect the management would be supportive. That ship sank to the bottom way back and its the worst. The stuff they do to keep us “Productive” is bizarre.

They do a video call in the middle of the shift just to check if we are smiling while talking to clients. They are planning to plant mirrors so that we can set our looks and smile while talking.

I don’t know how to express this. They are trying to cut our genuine emotions and programming us to smile. They are trying to make us into robots from top to bottom. It feels very difficult even to breathe and survive.

It feels like a bottomless pit and I keep on falling. Personal life is no paradise either. It feels like “so-called” family members treat me like some random object that we ignore. No one asks If I smiled or had a good day or anything.

But if I talk about passion or something, they pile on me and bring me down to the ground. I also want to talk to my mother in a normal way. I also want to share information with my father like a normal child. But they seem like far fetched dreams.

Few of my friends stopped talking to me because of my bottom states. I get emotional when a huge pile of problems fall on me. Let’s face it, no one likes a whiny person right? I’m shocked and privileged I still have few people and friends that listen to me.

My phone goes empty all day. I sit alone in my room working or doing something. Some of my friends used to call me regularly the day would be way better. Now no one talks and suddenly I need to take these calls and it feels all fuzzy and weird. It’s fine everyone has their own lives and priorities.

Every time I hear that ring on the call, my heart skips a bit. Some unknown fear and pain run to the bottom of my spine and in my heart. what cusses would I need to hear today? Who will yell at me? How much I’m I going to feel sad today?

I get panicked and get very scared. It feels like someone is groping me and I sit there and allow it to happen. It hurts a lot inside and I don’t know how to express it. I’m lost for words and in a lot of pain that I cannot handle.

Why I’m I saying all this? So-called people and society say we need to work hard and we will be good. If people call this good, then I never want to be good in life. This sucks to the core, it is a huge pile of shit, where I survive daily on my tears.

You kill all of our curiosity we have as a child and try to rub your hypothetical success goals on us. Why should someone do a job and laugh and be fake and do a naked dance in this bottomless hole?Why cannot a person be the way he wants to live?

If we question all this we are being rude and don’t know anything in life. If doing what we love is rude and smiling is ignorance about life, then fine I’m happy to be ignorantly rude. But we can’t right, all kinds of crap come up if we open and talk.

The bottom line is I prefer if I don’t exist. I’m running an imaginary race that I never signed up for. I don’t know for how long but the longer I keep running to the bottom I keep sinking.

Note: This is from our beloved friends John’s diary.

When the time passes towards the night,
It is time to set everything straight.
It is time to log in and work,
Time to put on a fake smirk.

I have to speak to clients on the phone.
Treating their problems as my own.
It feels like the night is pulling me to oblivion,
Sometimes it all feels like an illusion.

I feel like a night owl that doesn’t know other sounds,
It feels like I’m lost in a gigantic abyss.
I can’t even cry about it as I need to speak,
My heart inside me always has that sad squeak.

I cannot keep these emotions no matter how much I try,
Sometimes in the night, I want to hug someone and cry.
Every night I work it makes me more depressed,
I have lost interest in things that make me excited.

Mentally, I’m dead and physically tired,
Trying to keep it together, emotionally I’m drained.

On a Saturday evening, I completed my work and scrolling through my social media. Liking memes and just passing the time. A rare moment where the efficacy of my sadness it not taking over. After some time, there was a chime on the phone. 

It is my friend Charvi. She is one of the good buddies I have, and we talk regularly and a lot of stuff. If I feel low or want to share something, I’m pretty sure that her inbox is always open. The text says she has something important to talk and come to Instagram. I opened it, and here is how the conversation goes.

Charvi:  Hey. Hi, listen, I have something important to say.

 Me:  Yes, madame, at your service!

Charvi: Hahaha, okay this is important, listen carefully.

Me: You robbed a bank, and now the police are chasing you? 

Charvi: Yeah, I even got a cure for stupidity, but sadly its efficacy is only on humans. Sorry, can’t fix you. Now shut up and listen. 

Me: Lol, okay, go ahead.

Charvi: Okay, so my parents are findings options for me to marry. I don’t know that guy. I’m a bit nervous, and I don’t want to marry now. I want to stand up for myself, fulfil my dreams and then think of marriage. What to do? 

Me: Okay, I understand what position you are in right now. Marriage is must be mutual between two people. If you are not comfortable, tell them that you are not. If you have dreams, you must chase them.

Charvi: Yeah, I wish it is that easy. Me going to my parents and saying I want to chase dreams and don’t want to marry. Would they listen to me? 

Me: It is better to sit and talk before taking an important decision in your life. If you decide to marry, the person coming to your life will be with you for at least the next 40 years. So, think and talk in all the ways possible. 

Charvi: Yeah, I will gather up the courage to talk to them. Gosh! I wish this were easy. Why don’t we have ideal efficacy everywhere in life? If I don’t marry, I will make my parents unhappy. Why should it be like this?

Me: Well, to be honest, we humans created these boundaries. We feel to care for loved ones’ decision because we give value to them in our life. It varies from person to person. I’m sure you will come up with a way to convince your parents and follow your dreams.

Charvi: Easy for you to say! You always have people who care for you. You always tell stories about your friends and how they care for you. I feel jealous sometimes on you and want to be in your shoes.

Me: Lol, to be very honest, those days were gone. The error is on both sides. I stopped sharing the incidents that are happening, and ears who used to listen have stopped hearing. Now those eyes hate me and that ears don’t search for my voice. 

Charvi: Oh, shut up! You make this shit up in your brain. Your friends love you, and I have seen Instagram stories and stuff. Stop creating scenarios for yourself and be what you are. People who care for you love you.

Me: Well, to be brutally honest “no”. People who used to care for me don’t do that anymore. I cared for them even if they got a papercut. I used to ask how they were and used to talk. Recently I literally posted a suicide note article on my social media. No one gave a “fuck.” 

 Not only that I posted a lot of sad stuff, and I even posted that I was depressed. No one batted an eye, and I even went through some tests medically. They knew this and didn’t bother to ask what happened. These are the same people who said, “We are there” “we will talk to you no matter what.” 

Charvi: Oh my god! What happened? Are you okay?

Me: There is nothing new, the usual family issues. Adding to that, even my organisation hated me, to which, I was most loyal started hating me. I made a few mistakes, told apologies in all the ways possible. It hurts when you feel like you annoy the person who you respect you the most. 

Charvi: Oh, gosh! You must be devastated! I’m so sorry. How are you now? I’m sure you hate those people now.

Me: I’m okay, I guess, and I don’t hate them to be very honest. If I know they are having problems; I will message the same way and find out if everything is okay. It is not that I’m good or bad; it is just the way I’m. 

I respect those people without any tags and will continue to do so no matter what. The feelings I have for those people are not under business terms. It is under care, trust and love. That is the real efficacy of a relation.

Charvi: I wish I were not busy these days! I wish I would have talked to you. It’s okay; it is not too late. I’m here for you.

Me: Thanks for that, I know you are always there. Everyone says people should be self-sufficient, self-dependent and stuff. But I tell people should have to be able to self-hold themselves. When there is no one to hold your hand, you must be able to hold yourself and move ahead.

On the other hand, when I expressed these th0ughts through my writings they called me I was craving attention. I’m being a drama queen on this. I didn’t know this attracted attention until I read from their shoes. I was just expressing my emotions.

Yes it hurts, and it’s depressing but, if no one is ready to be with you or left you for any reason, you must be able to love and live with you. Even if you remove all the people and relations in your life, you exist, and that is a fact. This is what I believe the real efficacy of life.

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