A Bittersweet Heart

what sucks, shallow focus of letter paper

Alarm rang at 12:00 AM I woke up and saw myself in the mirror curiously. For my disappointment, I don’t see any difference at all. I look the same as ever. Why does everyone make a big deal when they turn 18 then? I don’t get the hype. Tears started flowing like there was some leakage in my eyes. I cursed myself and tried to stop them but only vain.

Birthdays are supposed to be fun right? Then why do I feel terrible? I don’t know what it is…. but I do know something sucks! I took out my diary and started writing with a heavy heart. And I have to let this unknown misery off my chest. As I started to remember my shitty life, the letters in my diary felt as if I was giving my nightmares shape and I went on and on…..

To my past self,

It’s your 18th birthday today. Because of you, I feel like everything sucks so I want to confront you now.

What sucks is to be not aware of your own trauma. When you come to realize what is actually happening to you it becomes too late whether it’s you being a kid and wondering “idk why I cry when that uncle comes near me” or your 15 year old wondering “maybe I am just in a sad phase it will go away.”

What sucks is trying to see the bright side in every situation whether it is “I don’t have lunch to eat but at least I get to drink cold water in school” or “what if I don’t have normal life like my age people, at least I can watch whatever movie or read whatever book I want and think myself as the protagonist and can live different cool lives.”

What sucks is being in denial whether it’s “I don’t think I am angry at anyone. I think I am hurt. I should get a grip on my emotions and stop being cry baby” or “I don’t think I am depressed I should get a grip on my emotions and stop being cry baby”

What sucks is being too self-aware. What sucks is taking yourself for granted, what sucks is putting others first in the fear of loneliness while still being lonely.

And what also sucks is in all of this different shit is the common outcome; your suffering.

You thought you are mature, kind and good but you are an immature monster who wasn’t kind to yourself, you didn’t stand up for yourself whenever you needed.

You couldn’t understand the difference between:

Kindness and coward-ness

Denial and positive attitude

Bearing and ignorance

You failed to see the thin line between them.

What sucks is you blaming shit on life and beautifully lying “life sucks” in the desperate need of self-pity and covering the truth in fact you, who suck at life. What sucks is you for being physically and mentally abusive to yourself.

When did you genuinely have yourself a kind smile? When did you tell yourself after sucking at something so many times “it’s OK there is always next time” when you needed to hear it so bad? And when didn’t you hit yourself or scar yourself every time you got anxious to make it stop in fact low-key you knew all you needed is one hug and a bit of kindness? How could you hate yourself this much?

Now look at you, at your breaking point. Weak af physically, mentally, emotionally.

No clue what to do with this body. self-punish every day and night with all kinds of health issues. Well deserved.

But I can’t deny the fact that you are me. So as a birthday gift, I am forgiving myself. I will try to be kind to myself, I will try to learn saying no, I will try to stand up for myself, I will try not to hesitate asking for help, I will try not to push people away, I will try to go easy on myself, I will smile at myself, I will try to adore myself, I won’t be abusive to myself and most importantly from this moment I will try to be proud of myself whenever I take a baby step.

   With love and smile~ your 18 years old self.

With that I made peace and closed my diary. Now I looked at myself in the mirror again. Fuck I still look as shitty as ever but I don’t feel shitty anymore. Guess that’s the difference I was looking for. I better dress up tomorrow and treat myself to a meal. It’s my 18th birthday after all. With a light heart and stupid smile I fell asleep.

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