Hey guys, This is Mourya. I’m writing a self-portrait today. For avid readers, you may know me as the creator of the character “John” and the guy who writes science articles. When I thought of writing a self-portrait, I was confused because I have no idea.
Yes, I don’t know what my actual portrait is. But I took it as a challenge and decided to write it. Generally, I take around 1 hour to write an article, before that an hour to research. But this one took almost four days and no research needed as it was about me. So this means a lot.
Before the self-portrait, I will say a few characteristics that may describe my personality in turn, express my portrait. My day starts at night, yes I’m a night shift warrior. My job is to get yelled for software of a device not working fine. I’m from the escalations department from one of the biggest companies.
It doesn’t just stop at yelling; it goes to cusses. The worst cusses a man would ever want to hear from a stranger. And I will be in that weird position where I can’t say anything. It just feels like I deserve all of that or I got used to it. In reality, I don’t as I value myself a bit.
I don’t like formality while speaking with my buddies. I prefer if anyone would talk to me with sarcasm, a bit of friendly trolling and stuff. It makes me feel that person is close to me. When you think a person is close, you don’t say “Hey is this the right time to call? You just call and talk to them. It feels genuine.
I like being honest, and people who are honest with me. If there is anything, I would love it if people came up to me and say it to my face. It feels like they really care. Without criticism and honesty, I believe we cannot grow in life. There has to be someone who can say the things as they are to you.
I like to divert myself when I’m alone. One of my main diversion is writing stories and creating music. I don’t know anything technical about music. I open the software and add random tunes to it. Other than that, I listen to songs or message my friends or listen to standup comedy. Those who are free reply back and we have fun.
If I cannot find diversion for myself, I will go deep down into thoughts in a dark and closed environment. Once I spent six hours in a dark and closed room thinking about random stuff. My mind is always in my room, and I spend almost 22 hours a day in it.
No one talks to me in the house due to shift timings and other things. Even though I live with my family, I do my chores like cleaning, cooking and other stuff. I tend to apologize a lot due to sorry syndrome I got from PTSD (Post-traumatic stress disorder). I only do this if that person is important to me, and I mean every apology I say.
If anyone asks if something is wrong, I will use the phrase “sab changa si” it is a Punjabi ( a language of India) phrase which means “everything is fine.” But if anyone comes and asks, how are you? I may shed a tear. I can handle other emotions but, cannot hold it when the issue is sensitive.
A lot of shitty things happen with me daily, but I tend not to share them with anyone. Not because of privacy or something, but if any sane person listened to them, their day would be wasted. I tend to keep them myself and keep pushing the day.
I got some fantastic friends, some of them I made recently and some for the past eight years. I have got only a few, but they are just a simple text or call away. I adore them and respect them, and I believe they do the same. I share almost everything except this daily shit with them.
This lockdown has a significant impact on this self-portrait, especially November month. There are a lot of sleepless nights and cries, and I got to see life from different angles. I’m proud of myself that I survived that. It was like a never-ending nightmare personally and professionally for straight 30 days.
Summing up the self-portrait, sitting in a closed room, I have always looked for closure. The ideas from my mind bounced flew and hit the closed walls. They jumped right off and hit my brain again, and I’m sad again. I think I’m a regular guy who always finds emptiness or has emptiness. It must be one or the other.
A bit good if I give it a deep thought. I used to smile by looking myself in the mirror. I used to like the genuine nature in that. Its been almost seven months I saw any mirror. I rarely do that. In reality, we exist, but if you ask to portray me, I wish I never existed in this reality. I don’t think it would have made much of a difference to anyone, but I’m done being sad for myself.
But I exist, so that is my Self-portrait—a tragic guy working on himself. Still looking for closure but couldn’t find any. A colour less dead canvas where no one wants to look. I do not like myself like this. Honestly, none will like a whiny guy. But I’m working on myself and hope to see the light on the other end.