” I’ve given up emotionally, and nothing excites me anymore. I’ve tried and tried and now I’m tired and done!” This statement is not from a 60 plus -year-old guy who has seen everything in life. The line is from a 23-year-old guy who just started the phase of life and a close friend of mine.
So what made a 23-year-old guy give up in life emotionally? I believe experiences in life doesn’t come with age; it comes with circumstances. I was in touch with him regularly for the past three weeks, and the way he described his activities every single day were horrific.
He is John for you regular readers if you remember from the article under “Understanding A Life Past Trauma And Depression.” Here is the link for the same: https://penfluky.com/2020/10/18/understanding-a-life-past-trauma-and-depression/
So John was recovering from PTSD, he completed his graduation at his uncle’s house from his hometown. His parents moved to another city. The uncles family didn’t like John due to some reasons. He was not given enough food and was taunted regularly for petty issues.
It became so severe that John had seizures due to this, where he was in the hospital for three days. The doctor examined it and prescribed medication for one and half year. John used to get heavy headed and sleepy due to medication, but he recovered and started to focus on his career.
As we know, John is interested in arts; he wanted to be an artist. Once he completed his graduation, there was a financial issue in his family. His family wanted him to join corporate and work. John told about his passion and said he didn’t want to work. His father abused him so much that he got a panic attack and later beat him with a belt.
Giving up his passion, John joined one of the biggest company in the world and is working there. As far as I know, John is a very cool guy, and he handles pressure very well. To prove that, the first year he joined he won 4 “performer of the month” awards and once the year came to an end, he won “performer of the year” award.
About three weeks back, John was very quiet for a few days, and I messaged him to enquire on the same. He talked in a normal tone, even cracked a few jokes, and I thought he was genuinely busy. But something inside me said he was not okay.
When I stressed it, he gave a pause of an hour without replying anything. After an hour, my phone vibrated, and it was his text. His exact lines were “I don’t know how I’m doing, I’m not even sure if I’m alive.” By seeing this, I panicked, and I asked: “What is wrong?”
He started telling “From the moment I joined corporate, I see my dream die daily. I don’t have a count, but I had many sleepless nights and cries. There are issues in the house, my dad always says he regrets my birth, as I didn’t score good in graduation and doing a petty job.”
“Heck I even tried to run away by getting off from a cab at a different location. But due to my love towards family, I couldn’t do that. It has been 22 months that I have seen the sun in my life. I’m doing night shifts since then. I recently got my health checkup done and I have a bone density of a 60 year old.”
“By seeing this, any parent would be saying fuck that job, leave it and do whatever you want, my parents said everyone has problems, just keep them aside and keep working. I think I’m the special one to get this type of treatment.”
“There is only one thing that has been good in my life, my friends, and I have very few. They might not consider me as their friend, but I always love, cherish and respect them. You might ask a question on if you have good friends, why don’t you talk to them and share your grief with them? I don’t want to disturb their life with this. I can vouch that no one would be normal by listening to this.”
“I agree everyone in life has problems, but there will be a few laughs and moments to cherish. But I’m very honest with you, the last moment I had a genuine smile on me was probably months ago when I joined this new incredible team and got some amazing friends. In the past fucking two years, I worked for someone, didn’t spend the money on myself, have no savings, broke down to the core and I don’t know what to do.”
“As I’m working from home now, none in the house talk to me, for the fuck sake I cook my food despite living with the family. I recently got a promotion, and now I have to speak to clients via phone, earlier I used to email them. Imagine a guy not talking to anyone in the house the whole day and suddenly taking calls. Its bizzare.”
” I have come to a conclusion, I have fucking reached my breaking point. I can keep trying, but one +one is always two, it cannot be 0 or 3, and it is the universal truth. For the past three weeks, I cooked almost daily, mentally fucked up, no one talked to me in the house, I cried nearly every day. Yes, crying may be useful for health, but regular crying is not, it fucks up everything. “
” I want to say I fucking give up, and I’m done hoping my mother would wake me up with a smile, my dad would speak to me nicely, misunderstandings would be cleared, me smiling genuinely or loving me. I’m done, nothing excites me anymore. I hope death would be peaceful rather than dying everyday.”
After this, I didn’t know what to text him. I hope he finds peace one or the other day.